Testing Photo Capacity

I can't figure out how to post photos. F e*trade.

Missed Connections: Greatest Thinkers of the Modern Era

LOS ANGELES - Concerned about politicising her favourite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

Yee Haw!

Does anybody actually enjoy going to the Houston Rodeo or is it an inside joke between Houstonians?

On an unrelated note, who knew Vietnamese sandwiches were so freakin' delicious?

Space Age of Dinosaurs

Remember all the hype about robots circa 1986? They really whiffed on that one.

Longshore Drifter

Come to find out, security at the Gables Cityscape is handled by Dubai Ports.

Wowie wow

Jen Lindley has officially taken the Hottest Capeside Alum torch from Joey Potter.

Neocon Apathy

President Bush was warned that Hurricane Katrina would be a serious disaster, yet he didn't stop it from happening?! What a fascist.

That's some tasty tapwater!

G. W. Bush is in India right now. I wonder if he was able to follow the Seinfeld episode when Jerry, George and Elaine went to a wedding in India. You're right, I know, I'm just jealous.

Thanks in no small part to me.

WASHINGTON - Consumers, lured out to the stores by the warmest January in more than a century, spent at a rapid clip that outpaced their incomes.

Voice of the People

Dear Commissioner Stern, There's no law that says there can only be one NBA All-Star game per year, you know.

From ReJoyce: The Christmas Album

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is one Christmas song that's a hit all year long.

It's not so easy to replicate perfection.

NEW YORK - Guns N' Roses fans went into frenzied overdrive when three studio-quality tracks from the mythical "Chinese Democracy" album were leaked onto the Internet.

From one GNR fan to another, don't go into too frenzied an overdrive over "Chinese Democracy."

Main Street, USA

Dear Afton Oaks nimbys, Stop your whining about the proposed light rail line on Richmond Ave. There is nothing you could possibly do to Richmond to make it worse. (Though Westheimer Rd. may take issue with that statement.)

Why does Radio Shack's Board of Directors care that their CEO had a bogus resume? They should spend more time worrying about the fact that Radio Shack is second in suck only to Best Buy.

On the bright side, I have discovered a natural talent for spending money.

Afternoon Serendipity

The most difficult word to spell in the English language? No contest. Rhythm.

Danish Editorial

What better way to demonstrate your piety than burning movie theaters and KFCs?

610

Everything outside the loop is Craptown.

Yellow Journalism

WASHINGTON - Waste and fraud marked the federal government's assistance programs for Hurricane Katrina victims, with 10,000 mobile homes going unused and scattered cases of evacuees spending emergency money on nude dancing in Houston, tattoos, casino gambling and a diamond engagement ring, according to an audit released Monday.

Wait a minute...I thought this story was supposed to be about waste and fraud. Typical liberal media bias.

High-euro Lobbyists

Dear United States government:

End the unnecessary travel restrictions on citizens from the 10 new EU member states and include them in the U.S. visa waiver program. Stop hindering free trade and travel without a narrowly tailored plan to achieve a compelling state interest.

You're no Ted Roosevelt.

VP Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter while quail hunting in South Texas this weekend. Yet more proof that this administration can't hold its liquor worth a damn.

Conventional Wisdom

Applause: The New York Times travel section.

Jeers: The female American Olympic athlete who talked on her cell phone during the opening ceremonies parade.

Sluts v. Wal-Mart

BOSTON - Backed by abortion rights groups, three Massachusetts women sued Wal-Mart on Wednesday, accusing the retail giant of violating a state regulation by failing to stock emergency contraception pills in its pharmacies.

The lawsuit, filed in state court, seeks to force the company to carry the morning-after pill in its 44 Wal-Marts and four Sam Club stores in Massachusetts.

The plaintiffs argued that state policy requires pharmacies to provide all "commonly prescribed medicines."

A spokesman for Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart suggested the Plaintiffs take more precautions against getting knocked up in the first place. Alternatively, they can go to the CVS around the corner.

Progressive Regression

Sin tax is levied on a $50 bottle of wine. There is no sin tax levied on a Big Mac from McDonald's. Explain the sense in that, you drunk, fat slob.

The Lohan Camp needs a better lying consultant

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to a London hospital last week after she sliced her leg open while breakfasting at the home of Bryan Adams.

Lohan had reportedly just stepped out of the shower Friday afternoon, when she lost her grip on a teacup, which smashed to the ground. A shard of the broken cup connected with the actress' shin, leaving a gash that required 10 stitches to close.

"She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Lohan's mother, Dina, told Star magazine.

"She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery."

On the Record

Super Bowl 40: Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 20
Enron Trials: Lay and Skilling both go to jail.

Snooty Corner

Houston's best Mexican food: El Pueblito
Houston's best burgers: Christian's Totem
Houston's best sandwiches: Central Market
Houston's best pizza: Barry's
Houston's best BBQ: still looking

I can't wait to say I told you so.

Houston's new MLS franchise unveiled its team name today: Houston 1836. Worst team name ever.

Book Review: Freakonomics by Stephen J. Dubner and Steven D. Levitt

An interesting book and worth my time. If you only read one chapter, read the chapter attributing the decline in crime rates beginning in the mid 1990s to Roe v. Wade.

Admittedly picayunish

From the Jan. 20, 2006 New Orleans Times-Picayune: Those steering Louisiana's hurricane recovery are wary about sounding ungrateful for the federal aid received, but are beginning to voice frustration that the state's residents are being shortchanged compared with their fellow hurricane victims to the east.

All those in favor of selling Louisana back to France say "Aye."

I'm sick and tired of the government's Crusade to crackdown on extortion. Whatever happened to our belief in capitalism?

SAN JOSE, CALIF. - A couple who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili in a scheme to extort money from the fast-food chain were sentenced Wednesday to at least nine years in prison.

The two pleaded guilty in September to conspiracy to file a false insurance claim and attempted grand theft with damages exceeding $2.5 million.

In a tearful plea for leniency, Ayala apologized to the courtroom gallery and said the scheme was "a moment of poor judgment."

Look on the bright side

What if Iran's sole motivation to develop nuclear weapons is wiping FOX's American Idol from the map?

Goooooooooal!

As everyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the past three months knows, Houston has a new MLS soccer franchise. The team needs a name, so I thought I'd help out. I've listed some of my ideas. Let me know which one you like best. Feel free to suggest your own ideas, too!

Houston Fat
Houston Drive
FC Suburban
AC Gallery Furniture
Inter-Sam's Boat
FC Strip Malls
Houston Starbucks
FC Smog Houston
Trafique du Westheimer Houston
Manchester United
Houston Tilman Fertittas
Houston Boooo-ring! FC
Houston Dallas Envy

Adios, mofo

Whose bright idea was it to invite our yell-leading halfwit Governor to speak at the National Championship celebration last night in Austin?

Please be nicer to those booze-sodden, crazy panhandlers. Thanks.

The 20 "meanest cities" listed by advocates for the homeless:
1. Sarasota, Fla.
2. Lawrence, Kan.
3. Little Rock, Ark.
4. Atlanta
5. Las Vegas
6. Dallas
7. Houston
8. San Juan, Puerto Rico
9. Santa Monica, Calif.
10. Flagstaff, Ariz.
11. San Francisco
12. Chicago
13. San Antonio
14. New York
15. Austin
16. Anchorage, Alaska
17. Phoenix
18. Los Angeles
19. St. Louis
20. Pittsburgh

Hotel California: An anthem of Satanism. See for yourself. We don't tolerate this in Iran.

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice suprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Railroaded yet again

What?! The Alabama-Coushatta Casino in Livingston has been shut down? I swear, all the good bilking ideas are already taken. Damn you, Mr. Abramoff.

Bring New Orleans Back Commission

I predict the new New Orleans will smell like stale beer and vomit and be rife with corruption.

Heir Apparent

Congratulations to Kevin Federline on his new smash-hit R&B single "PopoZão." Don't forget to download it as your ringtone.

Keeping Score

Come to think of it, I haven't woken up before noon on a consistent basis since high school.

A New Hope, but Questionable Strategery

Princess Leia knew the Empire allowed the Millenium Falcon to escape from the Death Star in order to track the ship to the secret Rebel Alliance base. So why did they fly straight to the Rebel base on Yavin IV?

Shoulda figured as much

Don't waste your time checking out Scott Gertner's Sports Bar over there across from KC's. Just go to KC's.

Still More Red State Fascism

DALLAS - A new Dallas Public Library code of conduct that bans distracting odors has drawn criticism from homeless advocates who say the rule unfairly targets the homeless and poor. The rules prohibit a variety of activities, including sleeping, eating, bathing, loud talking on cell phones, fighting, bare feet and sex.

Over/Under

Overrated: Creme brulee, margaritas, video iPods
Underrated: Pecan pie, green chile hominy, wind energy

Salzburg - Die Buehne der Welt!

No surprises here. luridtransom's official endorsement for the 2014 Winter Olympics goes to Salzburg, Austria. Viel Glueck, Salzburg!

The Last Straw: I'm moving to Tehran

WASHINGTON - The FDA proposed Thursday a stricter recommended limit on the amount of lead, a highly toxic metal, allowable in certain types of children's candy.

Barnum's Darlings

Aren't you glad you spent $300 on a cell phone with a crappy camera you never use?

About Damn Time!

TEHRAN, Iran - Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as head of the Supreme Cultural Revolutionary Council, ordered the enactment of a ban on all Western music, including classical music, on state broadcast outlets.

Now you tell me

Tori Spelling's getting a divorce. Papers were filed in October. Can you believe this craziness?

Digital Welfare

WASHINGTON - House lawmakers approved legislation early Monday that would complete the transition to all-digital television broadcasts by Feb. 17, 2009.

The measure also would allocate up to $1.5 billion to help consumers with older, analog TV sets purchase converter boxes so they would continue to get service in the digital era.

Blue Streak

If I don't hear of a $100 cover, all-you-can-drink New Year's Eve party soon, I'm hitting the panic button.

Everybody but me is so stupid

I spent 2.5 hours last night running errands and accomplished NOTHING. I am never going to a store in person again. I am never again going anywhere in Houston by myself that I've never been before. It only leads to frustration and anger. No, I did not find the magnets I was looking for. I will try to order them off the internet. Also, I now have no choice but to regift my $15 poster that it costs $211 to frame. I am boycotting Aaron Bros. Framing. Not because they charge outrageous prices, but because they REFUSED to give me a ballpark price to frame my poster, then made me wait 45 minutes while they screwed around. All paper, frames, posters and prints should be STANDARDIZED IMMEDIATELY. I should write my Congressman about this. Who is my Congressman, anyway?

Tax cuts all around!

There's no better way to love your children than deficit spending and carbon emissions.

Fine Line

Everybody's talking about how great the movie Walk The Line is. I haven't seen it, but I say it's not a good movie at all. The plot is numbingly predictable, the acting is on a community theater level, and the cinematography is, quite frankly, an embarrassment to the human race.

Philantropportunity Knocks

I want to quit the rat race and travel and work on my novel during 2006. Can I count on your support as a Gold Level Sponsor? Naming rights are still available.

Shattered Dreams

I've come to the harsh realization that I will never own a time machine. I figure if I were to acquire a time machine at some point in the future, I would have come and picked myself up by now. Either that, or something's gone terribly wrong on my time travels and I'm in grave danger.

Much anticipated eBay update

I kung fu'ed all 5 sets of magnets.

Adventure Capitol

I have a great idea how to make a bunch of money. If you want in, please contact me. And, no, this idea does not involve cornering any markets or violating any copyright laws. Serious inquiries only.

Misnomer

Dear Dry Cleaners on W. Alabama,

My clothes shouldn't be dirtier when I pick them up than when I dropped them off. Also, stop removing buttons from my shirts. Thanks.

House of Cards

If you pay me, I'll blog good things about you.

I'm like a chocoholic, but for eBay

I am the current high bidder for five sets of refrigerator magnets on eBay, and I have never felt so powerful.

I'm telling you for the last time

Houstonians - Do your Christmas shopping online this year.

All politics is local

Many administrators and faculty members at Rice University wish to see the athletic program dropped. I say while you're at it, drop the academic program too.

Hypocritical Pilgrims

I said it last year, and I'll say it again this year: This is my last family Thanksgiving ever.

Word of the Day

syb·a·rit·ic adj.
(1) Devoted to or marked by pleasure and luxury.
(2) Sybaritic Of or relating to Sybaris or its people.

"a chinchilla robe of sybaritic lavishness" [syn: epicurean, luxurious, voluptuary, voluptuous]

Highway Robbery - luridtransom demands Congressional hearings

L.A.'s smog tops Houston's
Associated Press

LOS ANGELES — The greater Los Angeles region surpassed Houston and the San Joaquin Valley as the nation's smog capital, in part because of a change in method of ranking, federal officials said.

Houston and the San Joaquin Valley, which in recent years rivaled or surpassed Los Angeles as the country's smoggiest areas, ranked lower this year.

But Los Angeles' rank comes with an asterisk.

The EPA this year switched from measuring smog over a one-hour period to measuring it over an eight-hour span. Under the old system, Houston would have edged out Los Angeles for the top spot by violating the standard on 33 days compared with 30 days.

What are you talking about?

SportsMorons: Do you dislike the BCS or the lack of a playoff?

Just between you and me

Houston is the best kept secret in America. How else can you explain the fact that only 4 million people live here?

The Owner's Box

Kudos to Mimi Swartz for her excellent article called "Tort Reform on Trial" in the November issue of Texas Monthly.

Intrepid Traveller

I just called my travel agent to cancel my upcoming cruise out of Galveston. Pirates attacking cruise ships? No, thank you.

Memo to morning commuters at Kirby & San Felipe

Don't let the a-holes who pass traffic in the left lane merge into the middle lane to go straight at the light at San Felipe. Do what I do: give them the finger and motion to the back of the line. I swear, I'm going to start carrying a pistol and shooting out tires. A-holes.

Applause

Congratulations to American League Rookie of the Year Huston Street.

Political Capitol

All gas tanks should be on the driver's side. The next time I pull up on the wrong side of the pump in a rent car, I'm going to write my Congressman. And I'm serious, I will write my Congressman. Stay tuned to see grassroots democracy in action.

Mink "coat"

Is it "old school" to refer to "Diddy" as "Puff Daddy?"

ESPN sucks

Mr. Rodriguez, how dare you insult the legacy of the New York Yankees by participating in high-stakes backroom card games. No doubt Mssrs. Ruth, Mantle, and Martin are turning in their graves right now.

Making a federal case of it

You louts in Washington pay billions each year to support Amtrak, which nobody rides in the first place. So how about you buy me a Vespa?

Instant Replay

How in the world the Supreme Court nomination formerly belonging to Harriet Miers didn't go to Mike Leach is beyond me.

Sorry, Boudreaux

Cajun food is highly overrated. Middle Eastern food is highly underrated.

Bold Prediction

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will call it quits on or before July 4, 2006. On another note, I'm thinking of putting together a happy hour for Noam Chomsky's birthday on December 7. Let me know if you're interested.

Home Sweet Home

Ahhh...Houston! Nothing beats a traffic jam on Sunday afternoon.

Guns up

Dear Texas Tech, Give Mike Leach a lifetime contract and a weekly television show.

Memo to Astros Fans

Leave the bumbleebee costumes at home, thank you.

I'm in luck, now

I hope the talk of a pandemic outbreak of the H5N1 avian influenza virus turns out to be the biological version of the Y2K bug, because I'm starting to freak out about it. If worse comes to worse, I suppose we can follow Charley Steiner to freedom, right?

Book Review: I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I can't believe I read 738 pages of that crap.

Hang up and listen

Yesterday I heard a caller on SportsRadio 610 use the term "escape goat."

One free lunch, please

The Houston Chronicle is a pretty good paper, but their website is crappy. And why are most of the articles on ESPN.com only available to ESPN Insider subscribers? C'mon, greedy ESPN, this is the internet. It's supposed to be free.

Fully Loaded

Poor Lindsey Lohan. After her latest car wreck, I bet her insurance premiums are through the roof.

Delayed Reaction

My shortlist for O'Connor's replacement: Ronnie Earle or Ric Renner.

Going Places

I recently sat in front of a guy wearing sunglasses on an airplane. He was reading a book called Cashflow Quadrant.

Fundamental rights revisited

I saw a teaser for an upcoming story on gasoline prices on a local news station. The clip showed a guy at a gas station saying: "Yeah, I heard gas is going up to $5 or $6 a soon." He had frosted tips, a sweet striped shirt, and silvery see-through ultratrendy sunglasses. We've taken this notion of freedom of the press way too far.

Mixed Results

The economic reality is that I may have to outsource these blog entries to India.

Prisoner's Dilemma

Is it smarter to lease or buy a tanning bed?

History's Greatest Cad

luridtransom would like to recognize the 35th Anniversary of the Flashman Papers and express our utmost gratitude to George Macdonald Fraser, Editor of the Flashman Papers.

Marketing 101

Whose idea was it to can Melissa Stark and the rest of the hot sideline reporters and replace them with fat chicks?

vox populi

Say what you will about Hondurans, but my, they likes 'em some terrible music.

Most wonderful time of the year

New York Fashion Week: September 9-16, 2005.

Heroic Legacy

Why do people offer their congratulations when someone buys a new car?

Aristotle's Diary

Is life worth living if you don't have a cell phone with digital video recording capabilities?

Fashionistas

As a unit, Ohio State's linebackers have the most fashionable haircuts in the Big 10, if not the whole country.

Bait & Switch

What exactly is so express about Houston Metro's Route 102 Bush IAH Express bus route? It makes no less than SIX stops between downtown and the airport. Public transportation sucks. Except for monorails, of course.

Trustbusting

I'm not afraid to admit it: I'm a Nick Lachey fan. But I don't want to see Nick Lachey on College GameDay. ESPN, your Vesuvius is coming.

Big Time?

luridtransom has caught the attention of the collection agency bloggers. (See comment under Check your facts, AP). Give me a phat beat.