Tom Emanske says

Lidge will start throwing his slider for strikes again when he loses the sideburns and mustache-less goatee.

Jealousy over Chavez's radio & tv forum

CARACAS, Venezuela — President Hugo Chavez told U.S. officials to "Go to hell, gringos!" and called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "missy" on his weekly radio and TV show Sunday.

Other comments ranged from watching dancing Brazilian girls wearing string bikinis at a recent presidential summit to Washington's alleged role in the hanging of former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

I hear you, Ben, but all the elected officials have their fingers in their ears.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke warned Congress Thursday that the economy could be gravely hurt if Social Security and Medicare aren't revamped and urged lawmakers to tackle the nation's thorny fiscal issues sooner rather than later.

Wango Tango Whoop!

Ted Nugent played Gov. Rick Perry's Inaugural Ball wearing a cut-off T-shirt emblazoned with the Confederate flag. The Nuge shouted unflattering remarks about non-English speakers. His props were machine guns.

Now there's a big flap about it in the press. Let's back up, pundits. The Nuge does this act at all of his concerts. Nobody was caught unaware. Perry let him play his inaugural ball, despite the political backlash that was sure to follow.

We can draw two conclusions: First, The Nuge is a redneck. Second, Gov. Perry is a moron.

It must have been a slow news day for this story to make the paper.

Voodoo Economics

47% of Myspace users are age 35 and older. Gross!

luridtransom backs Blair: Keep the Kingdom United

LONDON (AFP) - Prime Minister Tony Blair has warned against any bid to break Britain apart, saying it would be "a crazy" step 300 years after Scotland and England united. Blair's warning Tuesday came as the Scottish National Party (SNP) used the anniversary of their union to launch a fresh drive for independence, while some opinion polls suggested a majority of Scots and English want to separate. Speaking at his monthly press conference, Blair said Britons should celebrate "with pride" Tuesday's tercentenary of the merger of the Scottish and English parliaments.

"In commerce, in trade, in security and above all in shared values, the union of England and Scotland continues to be good for England, good for Scotland and right for the future of Britain," Blair said.

Achievement Award

I ordered phone service from Time Warner, and the confirmation email congratulated me on my order. At least it wasn't Cable Max congratulating me.

Speaker Pelosi: My Congress is the CFDA.

NEW YORK (AFP) - Despite growing concern about skinny waifs on the catwalk, the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) stopped short of issuing rules on the size of models, instead calling for more education about eating disorders.

All sports is local

Thumbs up to Todd Graham and Major Applewhite for leaving Rice after one season. They saw the writing on the wall, which clearly states that Rice will soon be replaced by townhouses and big box retail.

Have you listened to Davies and Dukes on 790AM in the morning? Wow. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that?

L.A. merchants: Don't accept Posh and Becks' filthy quid.

DALLAS — Pizza Patron, a Dallas-based pizza chain, has been hit with death threats and hate mail after offering to accept Mexican pesos, becoming another flashpoint in the nation's debate over immigrants.

Twilight Zone of Nail Salons

The whiners in Afton Oaks have placed anti-light rail signs in their yards along Richmond with the slogan "Don't Mess with Richmond Ave." These people live on Richmond Avenue, yet they've obviously never seen or driven down Richmond Avenue. Freaky.

Pelosi Watch: Thumbs up to smoking ban.

WASHINGTON — New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is snuffing out one of Congress' enduring prerogatives, still cherished by some lawmakers — the right to smoke near the floor of the House. Pelosi announced today that effective immediately, House members would no longer be able to light up in the ornate Speaker's Lobby off the House floor where lawmakers mingle during votes.

Hollywood Corner

Hey Cameron Diaz, why did you dye your hair black? That was ignunt.

Speaker Pelosi patronizes USA on first day as Speaker

Quoth new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: "I accept this gavel in the spirit of partnership, not partisanship, and look forward to working with you on behalf of the American people. In this House, we may belong to different parties, but we serve one country."

Shopaholic

The Meyerland Circuit City is the Radio Shack of Circuit Cities. It’s poorly lit, disorganized, dirty and foul smelling. I was there recently in search of iPod accessories. I began my search in the aisle under a large sign heralding “iPods and iPod Accessories.” Not surprisingly, there was neither an iPod nor an iPod accessory to be seen. There were, however, all manner of digital photo printers to bolster your consumer confidence. I asked the guys at a nearby cell phone kiosk to direct me to the iPod section. A cell phone salesman in a nauseatingly awful suit replied, “We have cell phones with iPod features. Would you like to buy one of those?”

It turns out the iPods and iPod accessories are in the computer section. But the point is I spent $700 on two iPod cell phones, and it was worth every penny.

Race to the bottom

You pay 99 cents per song on iTunes? Wow, what a great deal. How much do you pay for air and gravity?

Sports Vogue

For $32 million, I'd get a haircut like Nick Saban. Of course, I'd get a haircut like Jay Novacek for free, so that's not saying much.