Built in a Day

Literally translated, carpe diem means watching poker on television.

John Lopez's Worst Nightmare

You know bowl season is upon us when you see families clad in Rutgers gear strolling the streets of downtown Houston.

Architectural Indigestion

Thumbs down to the new Capital One branch bank on Bagby in Midtown. It's a case in point example of why the potential of Midtown will never be realized without proper zoning. When Midtown is nothing but drive-through banks with half acre parking lots and CVSes, they should change the name from Midtown to Katy.

Open Letter to John Lopez

NOTE: I sent the following e-mail to Houston Chronicle sports columnist John Lopez in response to his Dec. 22, 2006 column, which can be found at this link: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/sports/lopez/4420145.html

John,

You wrote today that “bowls have lost their luster.” As evidence, you specifically mention four bowl matchups – 3 lesser bowls and the national championship game. Hmmm…interesting sample. True, there are lots of bowl games these days – 32 to be precise. And that necessarily means they can’t all be compelling matchups. But you overlook, intentionally I think, the fact that there are many great bowl games this year, as there are every year. Let’s take a look at a few. A&M plays Cal in the Holiday Bowl. You specifically asked about the Cotton Bowl in your column – Auburn vs. Nebraska. Not a bad game. Arkansas faces Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. And then there are the BCS Bowls, of course.

The only thing that has changed since the good ol’ days you pine for is the addition of more bowls. You can still gorge on the major bowls (now called BCS Bowls) and the so-called minor bowls – I’ve even listed a few interesting minor bowls to help you out. If you aren’t interested in the Rice/Troy game, then don’t watch it. But I fail to see how the New Orleans Bowl’s existence takes any luster off the USC/Michigan Rose Bowl matchup.

Yes, I understand the point of your article: College football would be better with a playoff system. Wow, another article whining about the bowls and pushing for a playoff system. Talk about a group shrug.

Regards,
Matt Bishop

Sen. Wentworth restoring belief in democracy

Texas State Sen. Jeff Wentworth, R-San Antonio, will submit a bill in the 2007 legislative session to ban driving while talking on a hands-on cell phone. Wentworth’s proposed bill would make the use of a cell phone while driving a Class C misdemeanor, which is punishable by a fine of less than $500. Using a hands-on phone while driving would be allowed only for emergency calls. Hands-free cell phones would be allowed while driving. While previous attempts at the same law have failed, Sen. Wentworth hopes a new chairman of Senate Committee on Transportation will be more favorable to the bill.

As luck would have it

Miss USA didn't get fired for her penchant for drugs and such. I don't know any details, and I really don't care, but I don't like leaving loose ends here on luridtransom.

Booing Metro officials like Chris Simms

The Houston Metropolitan Transit Authority eliminated the Afton Oaks neighborhood from its potential light rail routes. I haven't been this bitter about a loss since the 2001 Big XII Chanpionship Game.

Wild like a Caddyshack cast party

Miss USA Tara Conner might get fired for alleged cocaine use, bar-hopping (she’s under 21) and promiscuity. I can’t wait for her reality tv show. I'd post Tara's picture, but WVZ won't license that proprietary technology.

Cheat Codes

"There is no doubting the fact that the widespread availability of sexually explicit and graphically violent video games makes the challenge of parenting much harder,'' said Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who asked the Federal Trade Commission last week to investigate one of the most violent titles, "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.''

Hey Hillary, have you ever played Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty fun.

Parvenu couture

When declining an evite, remember to let everyone know how important you are by stating where you'll be in lieu of the evited event.

Mofo supports enforcement of existing laws.

I e-mailed Gov. Rick Perry my suggestion to ban talking on cell phones without a hands-free device while driving. In response, I received a letter from a staffer informing me that there are already reckless driving laws on the books, and that Gov. Perry supports enforcement of those laws. Your governor kindly enclosed a list of contact information for all state Senators and Representatives. Thanks, Rick. I'll pass my suggestion along to John Sharp.

I made a large contribution to the off-road drivers' legal fund because I HATE canyons!

BALLARAT, Calif. — Whoever named Surprise Canyon got it right. Mere miles from bone-dry Death Valley, the canyon cradles two unexpected jewels: a gushing mountain stream and what's left of a once-bustling silver mining town. These treasures have attracted visitors for decades — and now they're at the heart of a legal battle between off-road drivers and environmentalists.

Five years ago environmentalists successfully sued to get the narrow canyon and its spring-fed waterfalls closed to vehicles, arguing that the federal Bureau of Land Management was not carrying out its duty to protect the land.

In response, more than 80 off-roaders purchased tiny pockets of private land at the top of the canyon, and now they're suing the federal government for access to their property, arguing that the canyon is a public right of way.

Environmental groups allege that, before they won protection for the area in 2001, off-roaders destroyed the canyon by cutting trees, dumping boulders in the water and using winches to drag their Jeeps up the waterfalls. They are seeking to intervene in the off-roaders' lawsuit. Since 2001, the canyon has regenerated, with new vegetation attracting wildlife.

Konsumer Zone

Free advice: You can get super cheap magazine subscriptions on eBay.

Word of the Day

Cosplay, which originated in Japan, is a combination of the words "costume" and "play." In cosplay, people dress as characters from Japanese animation, as well as graphic manga novels and video games. Cosplay can also refer to someone simply wearing a costume.

Flying Carpets and Magical Carbon Emissions

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - India, considered to be one of the world's top polluters, said on Thursday that it was not doing any harm to the world's atmosphere despite increasing emissions of greenhouse gases.

H-tastic!

You gotta see the smog in Houston today. It's beautiful. It reminds me of the popular bumper sticker that reads, "I came for the Rockets, but stayed for the sprawl."

Wake me up in 2008

US Weekly reports that Tori Spelling has been signed by Simon & Shuster for a memoir due out in April 2008.

79 Recommendations for US Soccer Policy

Dear U.S. Soccer Federation president Sunil Gulati,

I hold you personally responsible for Juergen Klinsmann taking himself out of consideration for coach of the U.S. soccer team. I guess I’ll dig out my Les Blues gear again in 2010.

Yellow journalism at its worst.

NEW YORK - (AP) Britney Spears's recent nights out with party girls Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan — and those uncensored, R-rated crotch shots that were splashed across the Web — drew disapproval from her fans and other Spears watchers.

Disapproval? Are you kidding me?

Who's at fault: Chris Simms or Greg Davis?

Texas's non-conference 2007 schedule: Arkansas State, TCU, Central Florida and Rice. Boooo!

Speaking of France: Book Review

Sixty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong: Why We Love France but Not the French by Jean-Benoit Nadeau and Julie Barlow.

The French smoke, drink and eat more fat than anyone in the world, yet they live longer and have fewer heart problems than Americans. They take seven weeks of paid vacation per year, yet have the world’s highest productivity index. From a distance, modern France looks like a riddle. But up close, it all makes sense. Sixty Million Frenchmen Can’t Be Wrong shows how the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

Decrypting French ideas about land, food, privacy and language, the authors weave together the threads of French society—from centralization and the Napoleonic code to elite education and even street protests—giving us, for the first time, an understanding of France and the French.

My Review: Two thumbs up and raise the tricolor.

I will be contacting my local cable provider.

PARIS - France goes head-to-head with CNN and the BBC from Wednesday with the launch of its state-funded 24/7 news channel, part of President Jacques Chirac's efforts to make his country's voice heard.

France 24 will broadcast two channels, one in French and the other mostly in English.

"Our mission is to cover worldwide news with French eyes," CEO Alain de Pouzilhac told AP Television News. He said the channel will emphasize in-depth reporting and debate, culture and "l'art de vivre" — the art of living.

Running count

Since the Ohio State-Florida game was announced, I've seen two Pat Forde articles criticizing the BCS, one by Gene Wojciechowski, and one by Richard Justice. All of the articles came to the same conclusion: The BCS sucks because it sucks. That's four articles, and I haven't really been looking. I wonder what that number would be if Michigan had finished ahead of Florida. I'll take a wild guess and say four.

Kudos to Bomani Jones for his level-headed article about the BCS on ESPN's Page 2. I'm sure Jones will be fired any minute now.

Clean Sheet Proposal

ESPN columnist Pat Forde revealed in his Sunday column that college football’s Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is “screwed up” and amounts to “haphazard guesswork at the 11th hour.” Thanks, Pat. You must be exhausted after such grueling journalistic analysis.

Over the next month I’ll keep a running count of how often I hear or read that the BCS sucks. I’ll also keep track of the number of proposed solutions. For the record, I don’t necessarily have a problem with the BCS, nor do I have a problem with the lack of a playoff. Those are two entirely different things, mind you, though most people don’t understand the difference. Sorry if I’ve lost you, but bear with me. Anyhow, I do think a playoff would be incredibly exciting and I’d love to see it happen. But as long as we’re in the land of what if, we might as well revamp college football from the ground up.

Here’s my suggestion: Form a league composed of the top 36 college football teams divided into six divisions of six teams each. Each team plays five divisional games and seven non-divisional games for a total of twelve regular season games. The top twelve teams qualify for the playoffs, with the top four teams receiving first round byes. The top two teams receive home field advantage until the Championship Game, which is played at a rotating neutral site. Playoff teams are determined by overall record, and divisional champions do not automatically qualify for the playoffs. The tie breaker for determining playoff qualification and seeding is head-to-head record followed by strength of schedule.

At the end of the season, the bottom four teams are relegated to the second tier, and the top four teams from the second tier are promoted into the league for the following season.

Divisions, which are realigned each year due to relegation, are created primarily for maintaining traditional regional rivalries. The divisions are also balanced to an extent for strength of schedule based on last year’s results. Disparities in divisional strength of schedule will be balanced with the non-divisional schedule. For example, if one division is relatively stronger than the others, the teams in that division will play easier non-divisional games. Obviously, scheduling for strength of schedule in college football is not an exact science. However, the idea is to make each team’s schedule relatively equal in difficulty. Over the course of the season, that goal can be achieved. Non-divisional games will also be scheduled to maintain traditional rivalries. For instance, the USC-Notre Dame game will remain on the schedule and Texas would still face Oklahoma even if they are not in the same division in a given season.

Although the teams in the league will change from year to year, determining which teams to place in the league at the outset is important for many reasons. The criteria would include the program's success (recent and historical), television market, stadium size and fan base, and traditional significance in college football. I will form a committee to determine the initial 36 teams, and I will chair the committee. The bribes and kickbacks will make the IOC blush. For illustrative purposes only, I have chosen teams based only on the 2006 Sagarin rankings. Using the Sagarin rankings through the end of the 2006 regular season to determine the top 36 teams, the 2007 league would be as follows:

Pacific Division
Hawaii
Southern California
BYU
UCLA
Oregon State
Washington State

Western Division
Arizona State
Boise State
Cal
Oregon
Arizona
TCU

Central Division
Texas
Oklahoma
Texas A&M
Wisconsin
Nebraska
Arkansas

Midwest Division
Ohio State
Michigan
Penn State
Notre Dame
Rutgers
Boston College

Southeast Division
Florida
LSU
Tennessee
Georgia
South Carolina
Auburn

Atlantic Division
Wake Forest
Virginia Tech
Clemson
Louisville
Georgia Tech
West Virginia

Texas’s schedule would be as follows:
Tennessee
@ Wisconsin
Arkansas
@ Michigan
Auburn
Georgia Tech
@ BYU
UCLA
@ Nebraska
Oklahoma (Texas/OU would almost certainly be home and home.)
@ Oregon State
@ Texas A&M

Demonstrations, riots, pole vaulting

Join me in my grassroots campaign to ban the use of cell phones while driving without a hands-free device. When I get around to it, I plan to send a letter to Gov. Perry. In the meantime, keep talking on your cell phone while behind the wheel.

Colorado pursues policy of appeasement with Satan worshippers

PAGOSA SPRINGS, COLO. — The Loma Linda Homeowners Association has withdrawn its threat of $25 daily fines against homeowner Lisa Jensen for putting a Christmas wreath shaped like a peace sign on the front of her home. Jensen was ordered to take the wreath down when some residents in her 200-home subdivision saw it as a protest of the Iraq war. Bob Kearns, president of the board, also said some saw it as a symbol of Satan.

Euro Apologist

American grocery stores should charge for grocery bags. That way, people would bring their own bags and we'd create less trash.

Al Gore's new movie isn't as great as I thought it would be. Do you think things would be different today if he were president? Do you think American grocery stores would charge for grocery bags?

If Italy can ban smoking in all bars and restaurants, what's your excuse, America?

I was on a KLM flight from Venice to Amsterdam with two disgustingly fat Americans: a fat woman wearing pajama pants and a sleeveless shirt, and a fat man wearing, I swear, hospital scrubs. That should be grounds for passport revocation.

Canadians Ooouuut!

PHOENIX (Reuters) - The Nevada town of Pahrump passed a law this week making it illegal to fly a foreign nation's flag by itself, the latest swipe by a U.S. community at illegal immigrants.

Whether the apocalypse comes in 6 months or 7 months.

From Adriana de Lorme's profile in the November 2006 issue of 002:

Q: What is the one thing you can't live without?
A: Tall nonfat no water 4 pump chai tea latte from Starbucks! I'm serious.

You said it, Daryl!

NEW ORLEANS (Reuters) - More than a year after Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, thousands of homes damaged by flooding still stand empty, stained by black mold and some of them infested with maggots.

"There's nothing like a maggot-filled refrigerator," said Daryl Durham, as he hauled one into the street to join a growing pile of possessions. The stench from the fridge filled the road.

Really? Gee, I believe you this time.

WASHINGTON - On Day 1 of the next session of Congress, newly empowered Democrats are promising restrictive rules to "break the link between lobbyists and legislation." The plan includes a list of changes designed to clean up what the party calls "a culture of corruption" in Washington.

Congress: Lying, hypocritical powerwhores.
GNR: Candid men of principle.

Night Train

LEWISTON, Maine — Guns N' Roses canceled a performance in Portland, Maine, this week after being told by state officials that the band could not drink on stage. The band had wanted to drink beer, wine and Jagermeister while performing.

Opportunity Knocked

I missed a golden opportunity to vow to leave the United States if the Democrats took Congress, then not leave after the Democrats took Congress.

This time I mean it.

Hey River Oaks Vision over by Cafe Express on West Gray. F you.

Don't touch that dial, Bernanke

Houston's 94.5 FM "The Buzz" alternative music radio station has a daily financial news segment called "Rock out with your stock out."

Axis of Delicious

SEOUL, South Korea -- North Korea is encouraging its people to breed rabbits for food, the regime's official media reported today.

The state-run Korean Central News Agency reported that rabbits were "the most economically profitable domestic animals" for the mountainous country's limited arable land.

Why the hell not?

AUSTIN -- State Rep. Senfronia Thompson, D-Houston, said today that she is "vehemently insulted" by independent gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman's derogatory comments about Hurricane Katrina evacuees.

Friedman last week attributed a spike in Houston's crime rate to the "crackheads and thugs" who evacuated New Orleans. Friedman did not call Senfronia a vehemently idiot, despite the vehemently obviousity that she is.

On the record

Cincinnati over NY Giants in the Super Bowl. Win one for Lachey.

Why I hate lawyers

Exchange between fat asshole lawyer in an Eikelburg Fun Run t-shirt and unsuspecting girl working the hunting license machine at Academy:

Girl: Do you want a Federal duck stamp?

Lawyer: [rolls eyes] Pfffft! No! I don't want to mess with any ducks!

Girl: Did you hunt dove, ducks or geeses [sic] last year?

Lawyer: I don't know, maybe. How about you go ahead and put no for that question.

Girl: How many doves did you kill last year?

Lawyer [annoyed]: Zero.

Girl: How many ducks did you kill last year?

Lawyer [more annoyed and self-important, this time with raised voice]: Look, I haven't hunted ducks in thirty years. Does that give you any idea how many?

Girl: How many geeses [sic] did you kill last year?

Lawyer [more annoyed, almost screaming]: I told you already I DON'T HUNT DUCKS!

Give back Lady Liberty.

Great news, America. You can buy Boycott France bumper stickers on Bill O'Reilly's website.

Gibraltar Monkeys

Book Review: The Pyrates, by George MacDonald Fraser. Thoroughly enjoyable melodramatic spoof of pirate stories by the esteemed editor of The Flashman Papers. Fraser can't help but put to use historical figures as his characters, and Col. Thomas Blood stars as the novel's anti-hero. Col. Blood attempted to pinch the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London in 1671. At trial he vowed to answer to none but the King himself. Charles II granted Blood a general pardon and granted him an estate. There are several theories explaining the motivations behind His Majesty's pardon. Look them up yourself, you have the internet.

Movie review: Mystery of the Nile (IMAX). The movie itself was enjoyable. However, I didn't expect such a McDonald's crowd at the Museum of Natural Sciences. And I literally mean a McDonald's crowd. The theater smelled like french fries. And for Pete's sake, stop chattering and watch the movie. Maybe it's time to revisit my plan to move to Canada.

Concidence? Is John Mark Karr the same person as Texans' creepy QB David Karr?

Fascinating

You'd think I'd get more postcards than I do. Thanks a lot.

If you won $300 million in the lottery, would it ruin you? If you answered no, you're wrong.

Ponder for a moment produce supply chains. You can buy an apple at Central Market that was harvested just days earlier in a Chilean orchard. Mind boggling. By the way, I encourage you to buy locally produced meats and vegetables. It's better for our farmers and Mother Nature.

Concerning Hobbits

The Hobbit Cafe on Richmond is fantastic. You should go eat there.

Rhetorical Malfunction

The slippery slope argument is itself a slippery slope.

Hobson's Factoid

Hobson's choice:A choice without an alternative; the thing offered or nothing.

The origin of the term Hobson's choice is said to be in the name of one Thomas Hobson (ca. 1544-1631), at Cambridge, England, who kept a livery stable and required every customer to take either the horse nearest the stable door or none at all.

Franchise Playa

If you don't have leather seats in your car, truck or SUV, please stop reading this blog.

Modern Marvel

luridtransom gives two thumbs up to wikipedia.

Book Review - Rivertown: Two Years on the Yangtze by Peter Hessler

I'll echo Simon Winchester's review of Rivertown: "Tender, intelligent, and insightful, this is the work of a writer of rare talent; it deserves to become a classic."

Synopsis:
In 1996, 26-year-old Peter Hessler arrived in Fuling, a town on China's Yangtze River, to begin a two-year Peace Corps stint as a teacher at the local college. Along with fellow teacher Adam Meier, the two are the first foreigners to be in this part of the Sichuan province for 50 years. Expecting a calm couple of years, Hessler at first does not realize the social, cultural, and personal implications of being thrust into a such radically different society. In River Town: Two Years on the Yangtze, Hessler tells of his experience with the citizens of Fuling, the political and historical climate, and the feel of the city itself.

Fabulous

Money magazine recently ranked Sugarland, Texas, the #3 best place to live in the country.

Entertainful for the masses

Rice should let bums attend their football games for free. Give me one reason why they shouldn't. Exactly.

The New Enlightenment

I heard a sports radio caller threaten to drop his Houston Rockets season tickets if they don't sign free agent Bonzi Wells. You've got to respect a man of principle.

Add this to my platform - Anyone talking on their cell phone at a sporting event and waving to friends at home will be mercilessly beaten before being fed to a pack of dogs.

Swapping lions for eagles

To commemorate Independence Day, I plan to read aloud Thomas Paine's Common Sense from the confines of my living room as the Department of Homeland Security listens in.

Do you people really have nothing better to do?

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Senate on Monday began debating whether the Constitution should be changed to give Congress the power to ban flag burning, a divisive issue that may pass or fail by one vote.

It is officially time for the Emperor to disolve the Senate.

No reason to leave Harris County. Ever.

While stuck in godawful traffic on the West Loop yesterday, I heard Uncle Drayton McLane on the radio discussing his upcoming trip to San Diego to pitch Houston as the USA's candidate city for the 2016 Summer Olympics. Drayton said, and I quote, "Houston is the greatest city in the world." Yeah obviously, Drayton. Everybody knows that.

In Defense of Ozzie Guillen

Before you denounce Ozzie Guillen as a homophobe and demand his resignation for calling Jay Mariotti a fag, watch Jay on Around the Horn. I'm not saying he does it with other dudes, but Jay Mariotti sucks. He sucks, and so do the rest of the East Coast SCREAMING ALL THE TIME talking heads that have monopolized sports media.

Toilets flushing the other way

Dear Socceroos,

Cut back on the whinging and bellyaching, lest somebody mistake you lot for the Argentines.

Waste of time, money, land and water

Why were you losers at Armadillo Palace watching golf instead of England v. Trinidad & Tobago?

Boycott the Liberal Media

Global warming? Hah! What a crock. It's like 65 degrees in my house right now and it's the middle of June.

World Cup Blues

In the aftermath of Team USA's blowout loss to the Czechs, luridtransom is calling for our Defensive Coordinator's head.

Low Hanging Fruit

OMAHA, Neb. - New arrivals to this country must learn English, President Bush said Wednesday.

AGUASCALIENTES, Mex. – President Bush must learn English, prospective immigrant Oscar Ramirez said Wednesday.

NHL Beat: Our Home and Native Land

luridtransom is proud to support the Edmonton Oilers in their quest to bring Lord Stanley's Cup back to the Great White North.

Even Sweeter Science

WASHINGTON - Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid, who has criticized Republican ethics, accepted free ringside tickets to three professional boxing matches from Nevada officials who were trying to influence his federal legislation regulating the sport.

Reid, D-Nev., took the free seats for Las Vegas fights between 2003 and 2005 from the Nevada Athletic Commission as he pressed legislation to increase federal oversight of boxing, including the creation of a government commission.

Kudos to Sen. Reid. Unless you're a total idiot, it's obvious that the only way to fix boxing is the creation of a government commission.

Eurovision 2006 in Review

Do yourself a favor and download the songs from Eurovision 2006 and check out the Eurovision website. My picks and pans:

"Loca" by Arsenium & Natalia Gordienko (Moldova) is a hit, baby.

The UK should be banned from Eurovision 2007 after sending Daz Sampson to Athens to sing that bloody rubbish "Teenage Life."

Which reminds me, don't invite Albania back to Eurovision. Ever.

Hey, Portugal. This is Eurovision, for crying out loud, not a high school talent show. Shame on you.

If I played for the Astros, my at bat song, if not already taken, would be "Moja Stikla" by Croatia's Severina.

Estonian diva Sandra's upbeat "Through my Window" is a really great song, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't have that "it" I'm looking for in a Eurovision winner.

Finnish KISS knock-off band Lordi? Please. I can't believe they won with "Hard Rock Hallelujah." Somebody in Helsinki must have dirrrrty pics of the panel. According to luridtransom, the real winner of Eurovision 2006 is Norwegian bombshell Christine Guldbrandsen. Give "Alvedansen" a spin, and I think you'll agree. For the non-Norwegian speakers, "Alvedansen" means "Elves' Dance."

Now I tell you what is awesome.

Have you checked out 59 this week? It's finished, and it's spectacular.

Urban Redevelopment Wisdom: The new Wachovia branch on Kirby at Westheimer leaves much to be desired. One tiny building and a huge parking lot. What a waste of a location with so much potential. There are new apartments going up across the street and a condominium tower going up next door, and the best they can do is a big parking lot? Wachovia obviously didn't employ any focus groups, because Houstonians will not stand for this.

Why isn't Eurovision broadcast on American tv? Add this to my campaign platform.

Irrefutable Evidence

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared in a letter to President Bush that democracy has failed worldwide. Hey, I've been saying this for years. It's about damn time democracy's failure is acknowledged and accepted by mainstream global leaders.

Daft Punk & Glow Sticks

Forget about that Burning Man entry a few months back. I need a ride to Kazantip. http://www.kazantip.com/

Worth Mentioning

In a Hollywood bombshell with a Sin City twist, Paris Hilton and Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart went public Tuesday with their romance in Las Vegas.

-- Las Vegas Review-Journal

More good news from Louisiana

The new New Orleans evacuation plan touches on a heart-wrenching decision evacuees faced ahead of Katrina: To board the buses, they had to leave their pets, and some refused to go without them. In the future, evacuees will be allowed to bring pets with them as long as they have some type of cage to safely put them in.

Here's to funding the pet evacuation program with federal tax dollars!

Reluctant Martyr

Littering should be punishable by the death penalty.

Case of the Mondays

Let me assure you there is nothing magical about the food at Magic Wok on McGowen.

I like coming to work on Monday with a bit of sunburn and/or windburn and listening to everybody at the office tell me, "Hey, you got some sun this weekend."

Memo to Chase Tower Worker Bees

Just because the escalator moves on its own does not mean you can't keep walking.

King's Ransom

Indian actor Raj Kumar died Wednesday in Bangalore, prompting his fans to riot and set cars on fire. I hope everyone reading my blog would do the same for me.

Underrated

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez hasn't received nearly the press on this blog that he deserves. No, Hugo, it's not a conspiracy perpetrated by the U.S. government; it's simply an oversight. In the future, luridtransom will provide updates on the capers of Caracas's favorite crazy chief executive.

Jumpin' Little Juke Joint

There is a large ad for Oklahoma State University in Hobby's new terminal. It features the OSU logo on a field of orange and reads: "A brighter shade of orange." I can only surmise that this cryptic message is a reference to the Okie State girl we met in Stillwater who couldn't get into Kansas State, so her dad pulled some strings to get her a spot at OSU. I hope she's currently living her dream as a soap opera actress.

Persian Ingenuity

TEHRAN, Iran - A top Iranian military official said Tuesday the country can now defend itself against any invasion originating from outside the region — a clear reference to the United States — as it tested a second new radar-avoiding missile.

Iranian state-run television said the elite Revolutionary Guards had tested what it called a "super-modern flying boat" capable of evading radar. TV showed a brief clip of the boat's launch.

"Due to its advanced design, no radar at sea or in the air can detect it. It can lift out of the water," the television said. It said the boat was "all Iranian-made and can launch missiles with precise targeting while moving."

Harris Co. Media Awards

Hats off to Charlie Pallilo. He's as good a sports talk radio personality as you'll find anywhere in the country.

Thumbs down to the Houston Chronicle for having an airline seatbelt extension-wearing travel editor who writes about cruises every week. But I suppose you satisfy your readers, and that's why they make the New York Times.

luridtransom's Response in Opposition

Mr. Kickerillo, I read your Q&A profile in the April edition of 002Houston magazine. I notice you made it a point to mention you have an airplane, numerous mink coats and celebrities' cell phone numbers. I thought I didn't like you before, but then I only knew you as an urban sprawl-monger, paving the prairie and levelling trees to make way for still more soulless, cookie-cutter tract homes on Houston's westside.

Salman Rushdie, etc.

Read up on Salman Rushdie and the fascinating life he has lived.

America is the new Soviet Union.

I am changing my name to iPod Starbucks.

Welcome to the Idiot Club, may I take your coat?

Sen. Bill Frist's immigration reform plan focuses exclusively on border security. That means more boots on the borders, unmanned aerial vehicles, cameras, sensors, and "a virtual barrier to cover every mile of our 1,950-mile long border with Mexico."

I think it'll work. And if he hires Batman to patrol the border, whoa man, look out Mexicans!

Back to my tribute blog roots

Speaking of Suntory time, Scarlett Johanssen was voted World's Sexiest Woman or something similar by the readers of FHM magazine. Obviously they missed last summer's smallscreen sensation Taradise on E!. If I knew how to post pictures, I'd include shots of both sizzling starlets. Damn your eyes, WVZ!

Back in the high life again

Sunday afternoon I saw a guy at the Gables pool with a beer bong.

2006 Baseball Predictions

NL East - Atlanta Braves
NL Central - St. Louis Cardinals
NL West - Los Angeles Dodgers
NL Wild Card - Philadelphia Phillies

AL East - New York Yankees
AL Central - Cleveland Indians
AL West - Oakland Athletics
AL Wild Card - Chicago White Sox

World Series - St. Louis over New York in 7

Houston Astros record: 84-78

You've earned it!

Congratulations on your team's victory in the big game. As a die-hard fan, or even a fair weather fan as the case may be, you've worked hard to pull your team through. You should be proud of your team's win and your tireless efforts and self sacrifice in achieving same. When you look back on your life, I hope your team's triumph in the big game is your proudest achievement. Congratulations!

Only pay for the new half

The only style of clothing most people ever rent is a tuxedo. Now me on the other hand, I rent all my clothes.

Bugs of Mud

Why does everybody around here go into such a frenzied overdrive about crawfish? It's not even the #1 crustacean. Shrimp and blue crabs put crawfish to shame.

Shrimp Sensations?

Hey Applebee's - No matter how many commericals you air during the NCAA tournament, I will not eat at your restaurant.*

* Stillwater, Oklahoma location excepted

Either you're lying or you're an idiot

Esteemed US Senators: When you finish your investigation and hearings on oil companies' profits and high prices at the pump, hold some hearings on the outrageously high price of fine cashmere sweaters.

"Clancy of the Overflow" by Banjo Patterson

I had written him a letter which I had, for want of better
Knowledge, sent to where I met him down the Lachlan, years ago,
He was shearing when I knew him, so I sent the letter to him,
Just "on spec", addressed as follows: "Clancy, of The Overflow".

And an answer came directed in a writing unexpected,
(And I think the same was written with a thumbnail dipped in tar)
'Twas his shearing mate who wrote it, and verbatim I will quote it:
"Clancy's gone to Queensland droving, and we don't know where
he are."

In my wild erratic fancy, visions come to me of Clancy
Gone a-droving "down the Cooper" where the western drovers go;
As the stock are slowly stringing, Clancy rides behind them singing,
For the drover's life has pleasures that the townsfolk never know.

And the bush hath friends to meet him, and their kindly voices greet him
In the murmur of the breezes and the river on its bars,
And he sees the vision splendid of the sunlit plains extended,
And at night the wondrous glory of the everlasting stars.

I am sitting in my dingy little office, where a stingy
Ray of sunlight struggles feebly down between the houses tall,
And the foetid air and gritty of the dusty, dirty city
Through the open window floating, spreads its foulness over all.

And in place of lowing cattle, I can hear the fiendish rattle
Of the, tramways and the buses making hurry down the street,
And the language uninviting of the gutter children fighting,
Comes fitfully and faintly through the ceaseless tramp of feet.

And the hurrying people daunt me, and their pallid faces haunt me
As they shoulder one another in their rush and nervous haste,
With their eager eyes and greedy, and their stunted forms and weedy,
For townsfolk have no time to grow; they have no time to waste.

And I somehow rather fancy that I’d like to change with Clancy,
Like to take a turn at droving where the seasons come and go,
While he faced the round eternal of the cashbook and the journal -
But I doubt he’d suit the office, Clancy, of "The Overflow".

Townes Hall? What was I thinking?

If you have a fifteen hour per week job, please do not call me at the office at 3:30 on Friday and ask what I'm doing. That kind of behavior will get your tires slashed.

Notorious Petting Zoo

Music Recommendation of the Day: Biggie Smalls' remix of Billie Jean.

Double Dutch

Accidental double post re. Netherlands immigration exam. Will replace with a blogging gem when so inspired.

Cheese, Tulips and Den of Iniquity

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - The camera focuses on two gay men kissing in a park. Later, a topless woman emerges from the sea and walks onto a crowded beach. For would-be immigrants to the Netherlands, this film is a test of their readiness to participate in the liberal Dutch culture.

After viewing the film, which is available in most languages, applicants are then quizzed on important Dutch factoids such as the number of provinces that make up the Netherlands; the role played by William of Orange in the country's history; and Queen Beatrix's monarchial functions. Citizens of the United States are exempt.

Testing Photo Capacity

I can't figure out how to post photos. F e*trade.

Missed Connections: Greatest Thinkers of the Modern Era

LOS ANGELES - Concerned about politicising her favourite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S. President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.

Yee Haw!

Does anybody actually enjoy going to the Houston Rodeo or is it an inside joke between Houstonians?

On an unrelated note, who knew Vietnamese sandwiches were so freakin' delicious?

Space Age of Dinosaurs

Remember all the hype about robots circa 1986? They really whiffed on that one.

Longshore Drifter

Come to find out, security at the Gables Cityscape is handled by Dubai Ports.

Wowie wow

Jen Lindley has officially taken the Hottest Capeside Alum torch from Joey Potter.

Neocon Apathy

President Bush was warned that Hurricane Katrina would be a serious disaster, yet he didn't stop it from happening?! What a fascist.

That's some tasty tapwater!

G. W. Bush is in India right now. I wonder if he was able to follow the Seinfeld episode when Jerry, George and Elaine went to a wedding in India. You're right, I know, I'm just jealous.

Thanks in no small part to me.

WASHINGTON - Consumers, lured out to the stores by the warmest January in more than a century, spent at a rapid clip that outpaced their incomes.

Voice of the People

Dear Commissioner Stern, There's no law that says there can only be one NBA All-Star game per year, you know.

From ReJoyce: The Christmas Album

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is one Christmas song that's a hit all year long.

It's not so easy to replicate perfection.

NEW YORK - Guns N' Roses fans went into frenzied overdrive when three studio-quality tracks from the mythical "Chinese Democracy" album were leaked onto the Internet.

From one GNR fan to another, don't go into too frenzied an overdrive over "Chinese Democracy."

Main Street, USA

Dear Afton Oaks nimbys, Stop your whining about the proposed light rail line on Richmond Ave. There is nothing you could possibly do to Richmond to make it worse. (Though Westheimer Rd. may take issue with that statement.)

Why does Radio Shack's Board of Directors care that their CEO had a bogus resume? They should spend more time worrying about the fact that Radio Shack is second in suck only to Best Buy.

On the bright side, I have discovered a natural talent for spending money.

Afternoon Serendipity

The most difficult word to spell in the English language? No contest. Rhythm.

Danish Editorial

What better way to demonstrate your piety than burning movie theaters and KFCs?

610

Everything outside the loop is Craptown.

Yellow Journalism

WASHINGTON - Waste and fraud marked the federal government's assistance programs for Hurricane Katrina victims, with 10,000 mobile homes going unused and scattered cases of evacuees spending emergency money on nude dancing in Houston, tattoos, casino gambling and a diamond engagement ring, according to an audit released Monday.

Wait a minute...I thought this story was supposed to be about waste and fraud. Typical liberal media bias.

High-euro Lobbyists

Dear United States government:

End the unnecessary travel restrictions on citizens from the 10 new EU member states and include them in the U.S. visa waiver program. Stop hindering free trade and travel without a narrowly tailored plan to achieve a compelling state interest.

You're no Ted Roosevelt.

VP Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter while quail hunting in South Texas this weekend. Yet more proof that this administration can't hold its liquor worth a damn.

Conventional Wisdom

Applause: The New York Times travel section.

Jeers: The female American Olympic athlete who talked on her cell phone during the opening ceremonies parade.

Sluts v. Wal-Mart

BOSTON - Backed by abortion rights groups, three Massachusetts women sued Wal-Mart on Wednesday, accusing the retail giant of violating a state regulation by failing to stock emergency contraception pills in its pharmacies.

The lawsuit, filed in state court, seeks to force the company to carry the morning-after pill in its 44 Wal-Marts and four Sam Club stores in Massachusetts.

The plaintiffs argued that state policy requires pharmacies to provide all "commonly prescribed medicines."

A spokesman for Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart suggested the Plaintiffs take more precautions against getting knocked up in the first place. Alternatively, they can go to the CVS around the corner.

Progressive Regression

Sin tax is levied on a $50 bottle of wine. There is no sin tax levied on a Big Mac from McDonald's. Explain the sense in that, you drunk, fat slob.

The Lohan Camp needs a better lying consultant

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to a London hospital last week after she sliced her leg open while breakfasting at the home of Bryan Adams.

Lohan had reportedly just stepped out of the shower Friday afternoon, when she lost her grip on a teacup, which smashed to the ground. A shard of the broken cup connected with the actress' shin, leaving a gash that required 10 stitches to close.

"She and her friends were preparing breakfast, with eggs and everything, and Lindsay was going up the stairs, carrying a ceramic teacup," Lohan's mother, Dina, told Star magazine.

"She had just come out of the shower so she was still wet and had some lotion on, and she completely flipped on the stairs since it was slippery."

On the Record

Super Bowl 40: Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 20
Enron Trials: Lay and Skilling both go to jail.

Snooty Corner

Houston's best Mexican food: El Pueblito
Houston's best burgers: Christian's Totem
Houston's best sandwiches: Central Market
Houston's best pizza: Barry's
Houston's best BBQ: still looking

I can't wait to say I told you so.

Houston's new MLS franchise unveiled its team name today: Houston 1836. Worst team name ever.

Book Review: Freakonomics by Stephen J. Dubner and Steven D. Levitt

An interesting book and worth my time. If you only read one chapter, read the chapter attributing the decline in crime rates beginning in the mid 1990s to Roe v. Wade.

Admittedly picayunish

From the Jan. 20, 2006 New Orleans Times-Picayune: Those steering Louisiana's hurricane recovery are wary about sounding ungrateful for the federal aid received, but are beginning to voice frustration that the state's residents are being shortchanged compared with their fellow hurricane victims to the east.

All those in favor of selling Louisana back to France say "Aye."

I'm sick and tired of the government's Crusade to crackdown on extortion. Whatever happened to our belief in capitalism?

SAN JOSE, CALIF. - A couple who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili in a scheme to extort money from the fast-food chain were sentenced Wednesday to at least nine years in prison.

The two pleaded guilty in September to conspiracy to file a false insurance claim and attempted grand theft with damages exceeding $2.5 million.

In a tearful plea for leniency, Ayala apologized to the courtroom gallery and said the scheme was "a moment of poor judgment."

Look on the bright side

What if Iran's sole motivation to develop nuclear weapons is wiping FOX's American Idol from the map?

Goooooooooal!

As everyone who hasn't been living under a rock for the past three months knows, Houston has a new MLS soccer franchise. The team needs a name, so I thought I'd help out. I've listed some of my ideas. Let me know which one you like best. Feel free to suggest your own ideas, too!

Houston Fat
Houston Drive
FC Suburban
AC Gallery Furniture
Inter-Sam's Boat
FC Strip Malls
Houston Starbucks
FC Smog Houston
Trafique du Westheimer Houston
Manchester United
Houston Tilman Fertittas
Houston Boooo-ring! FC
Houston Dallas Envy

Adios, mofo

Whose bright idea was it to invite our yell-leading halfwit Governor to speak at the National Championship celebration last night in Austin?

Please be nicer to those booze-sodden, crazy panhandlers. Thanks.

The 20 "meanest cities" listed by advocates for the homeless:
1. Sarasota, Fla.
2. Lawrence, Kan.
3. Little Rock, Ark.
4. Atlanta
5. Las Vegas
6. Dallas
7. Houston
8. San Juan, Puerto Rico
9. Santa Monica, Calif.
10. Flagstaff, Ariz.
11. San Francisco
12. Chicago
13. San Antonio
14. New York
15. Austin
16. Anchorage, Alaska
17. Phoenix
18. Los Angeles
19. St. Louis
20. Pittsburgh

Hotel California: An anthem of Satanism. See for yourself. We don't tolerate this in Iran.

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice suprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!'

Railroaded yet again

What?! The Alabama-Coushatta Casino in Livingston has been shut down? I swear, all the good bilking ideas are already taken. Damn you, Mr. Abramoff.

Bring New Orleans Back Commission

I predict the new New Orleans will smell like stale beer and vomit and be rife with corruption.

Heir Apparent

Congratulations to Kevin Federline on his new smash-hit R&B single "PopoZão." Don't forget to download it as your ringtone.

Keeping Score

Come to think of it, I haven't woken up before noon on a consistent basis since high school.