A New Hope, but Questionable Strategery

Princess Leia knew the Empire allowed the Millenium Falcon to escape from the Death Star in order to track the ship to the secret Rebel Alliance base. So why did they fly straight to the Rebel base on Yavin IV?

Shoulda figured as much

Don't waste your time checking out Scott Gertner's Sports Bar over there across from KC's. Just go to KC's.

Still More Red State Fascism

DALLAS - A new Dallas Public Library code of conduct that bans distracting odors has drawn criticism from homeless advocates who say the rule unfairly targets the homeless and poor. The rules prohibit a variety of activities, including sleeping, eating, bathing, loud talking on cell phones, fighting, bare feet and sex.

Over/Under

Overrated: Creme brulee, margaritas, video iPods
Underrated: Pecan pie, green chile hominy, wind energy

Salzburg - Die Buehne der Welt!

No surprises here. luridtransom's official endorsement for the 2014 Winter Olympics goes to Salzburg, Austria. Viel Glueck, Salzburg!

The Last Straw: I'm moving to Tehran

WASHINGTON - The FDA proposed Thursday a stricter recommended limit on the amount of lead, a highly toxic metal, allowable in certain types of children's candy.

Barnum's Darlings

Aren't you glad you spent $300 on a cell phone with a crappy camera you never use?

About Damn Time!

TEHRAN, Iran - Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as head of the Supreme Cultural Revolutionary Council, ordered the enactment of a ban on all Western music, including classical music, on state broadcast outlets.

Now you tell me

Tori Spelling's getting a divorce. Papers were filed in October. Can you believe this craziness?

Digital Welfare

WASHINGTON - House lawmakers approved legislation early Monday that would complete the transition to all-digital television broadcasts by Feb. 17, 2009.

The measure also would allocate up to $1.5 billion to help consumers with older, analog TV sets purchase converter boxes so they would continue to get service in the digital era.

Blue Streak

If I don't hear of a $100 cover, all-you-can-drink New Year's Eve party soon, I'm hitting the panic button.

Everybody but me is so stupid

I spent 2.5 hours last night running errands and accomplished NOTHING. I am never going to a store in person again. I am never again going anywhere in Houston by myself that I've never been before. It only leads to frustration and anger. No, I did not find the magnets I was looking for. I will try to order them off the internet. Also, I now have no choice but to regift my $15 poster that it costs $211 to frame. I am boycotting Aaron Bros. Framing. Not because they charge outrageous prices, but because they REFUSED to give me a ballpark price to frame my poster, then made me wait 45 minutes while they screwed around. All paper, frames, posters and prints should be STANDARDIZED IMMEDIATELY. I should write my Congressman about this. Who is my Congressman, anyway?

Tax cuts all around!

There's no better way to love your children than deficit spending and carbon emissions.

Fine Line

Everybody's talking about how great the movie Walk The Line is. I haven't seen it, but I say it's not a good movie at all. The plot is numbingly predictable, the acting is on a community theater level, and the cinematography is, quite frankly, an embarrassment to the human race.

Philantropportunity Knocks

I want to quit the rat race and travel and work on my novel during 2006. Can I count on your support as a Gold Level Sponsor? Naming rights are still available.

Shattered Dreams

I've come to the harsh realization that I will never own a time machine. I figure if I were to acquire a time machine at some point in the future, I would have come and picked myself up by now. Either that, or something's gone terribly wrong on my time travels and I'm in grave danger.

Much anticipated eBay update

I kung fu'ed all 5 sets of magnets.

Adventure Capitol

I have a great idea how to make a bunch of money. If you want in, please contact me. And, no, this idea does not involve cornering any markets or violating any copyright laws. Serious inquiries only.

Misnomer

Dear Dry Cleaners on W. Alabama,

My clothes shouldn't be dirtier when I pick them up than when I dropped them off. Also, stop removing buttons from my shirts. Thanks.

House of Cards

If you pay me, I'll blog good things about you.

I'm like a chocoholic, but for eBay

I am the current high bidder for five sets of refrigerator magnets on eBay, and I have never felt so powerful.

I'm telling you for the last time

Houstonians - Do your Christmas shopping online this year.

All politics is local

Many administrators and faculty members at Rice University wish to see the athletic program dropped. I say while you're at it, drop the academic program too.

Hypocritical Pilgrims

I said it last year, and I'll say it again this year: This is my last family Thanksgiving ever.

Word of the Day

syb·a·rit·ic adj.
(1) Devoted to or marked by pleasure and luxury.
(2) Sybaritic Of or relating to Sybaris or its people.

"a chinchilla robe of sybaritic lavishness" [syn: epicurean, luxurious, voluptuary, voluptuous]

Highway Robbery - luridtransom demands Congressional hearings

L.A.'s smog tops Houston's
Associated Press

LOS ANGELES — The greater Los Angeles region surpassed Houston and the San Joaquin Valley as the nation's smog capital, in part because of a change in method of ranking, federal officials said.

Houston and the San Joaquin Valley, which in recent years rivaled or surpassed Los Angeles as the country's smoggiest areas, ranked lower this year.

But Los Angeles' rank comes with an asterisk.

The EPA this year switched from measuring smog over a one-hour period to measuring it over an eight-hour span. Under the old system, Houston would have edged out Los Angeles for the top spot by violating the standard on 33 days compared with 30 days.

What are you talking about?

SportsMorons: Do you dislike the BCS or the lack of a playoff?

Just between you and me

Houston is the best kept secret in America. How else can you explain the fact that only 4 million people live here?

The Owner's Box

Kudos to Mimi Swartz for her excellent article called "Tort Reform on Trial" in the November issue of Texas Monthly.

Intrepid Traveller

I just called my travel agent to cancel my upcoming cruise out of Galveston. Pirates attacking cruise ships? No, thank you.

Memo to morning commuters at Kirby & San Felipe

Don't let the a-holes who pass traffic in the left lane merge into the middle lane to go straight at the light at San Felipe. Do what I do: give them the finger and motion to the back of the line. I swear, I'm going to start carrying a pistol and shooting out tires. A-holes.

Applause

Congratulations to American League Rookie of the Year Huston Street.

Political Capitol

All gas tanks should be on the driver's side. The next time I pull up on the wrong side of the pump in a rent car, I'm going to write my Congressman. And I'm serious, I will write my Congressman. Stay tuned to see grassroots democracy in action.

Mink "coat"

Is it "old school" to refer to "Diddy" as "Puff Daddy?"

ESPN sucks

Mr. Rodriguez, how dare you insult the legacy of the New York Yankees by participating in high-stakes backroom card games. No doubt Mssrs. Ruth, Mantle, and Martin are turning in their graves right now.

Making a federal case of it

You louts in Washington pay billions each year to support Amtrak, which nobody rides in the first place. So how about you buy me a Vespa?

Instant Replay

How in the world the Supreme Court nomination formerly belonging to Harriet Miers didn't go to Mike Leach is beyond me.

Sorry, Boudreaux

Cajun food is highly overrated. Middle Eastern food is highly underrated.

Bold Prediction

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will call it quits on or before July 4, 2006. On another note, I'm thinking of putting together a happy hour for Noam Chomsky's birthday on December 7. Let me know if you're interested.

Home Sweet Home

Ahhh...Houston! Nothing beats a traffic jam on Sunday afternoon.

Guns up

Dear Texas Tech, Give Mike Leach a lifetime contract and a weekly television show.

Memo to Astros Fans

Leave the bumbleebee costumes at home, thank you.

I'm in luck, now

I hope the talk of a pandemic outbreak of the H5N1 avian influenza virus turns out to be the biological version of the Y2K bug, because I'm starting to freak out about it. If worse comes to worse, I suppose we can follow Charley Steiner to freedom, right?

Book Review: I am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe

I can't believe I read 738 pages of that crap.

Hang up and listen

Yesterday I heard a caller on SportsRadio 610 use the term "escape goat."

One free lunch, please

The Houston Chronicle is a pretty good paper, but their website is crappy. And why are most of the articles on ESPN.com only available to ESPN Insider subscribers? C'mon, greedy ESPN, this is the internet. It's supposed to be free.

Fully Loaded

Poor Lindsey Lohan. After her latest car wreck, I bet her insurance premiums are through the roof.

Delayed Reaction

My shortlist for O'Connor's replacement: Ronnie Earle or Ric Renner.

Going Places

I recently sat in front of a guy wearing sunglasses on an airplane. He was reading a book called Cashflow Quadrant.

Fundamental rights revisited

I saw a teaser for an upcoming story on gasoline prices on a local news station. The clip showed a guy at a gas station saying: "Yeah, I heard gas is going up to $5 or $6 a soon." He had frosted tips, a sweet striped shirt, and silvery see-through ultratrendy sunglasses. We've taken this notion of freedom of the press way too far.

Mixed Results

The economic reality is that I may have to outsource these blog entries to India.

Prisoner's Dilemma

Is it smarter to lease or buy a tanning bed?

History's Greatest Cad

luridtransom would like to recognize the 35th Anniversary of the Flashman Papers and express our utmost gratitude to George Macdonald Fraser, Editor of the Flashman Papers.

Marketing 101

Whose idea was it to can Melissa Stark and the rest of the hot sideline reporters and replace them with fat chicks?

vox populi

Say what you will about Hondurans, but my, they likes 'em some terrible music.

Most wonderful time of the year

New York Fashion Week: September 9-16, 2005.

Heroic Legacy

Why do people offer their congratulations when someone buys a new car?

Aristotle's Diary

Is life worth living if you don't have a cell phone with digital video recording capabilities?

Fashionistas

As a unit, Ohio State's linebackers have the most fashionable haircuts in the Big 10, if not the whole country.

Bait & Switch

What exactly is so express about Houston Metro's Route 102 Bush IAH Express bus route? It makes no less than SIX stops between downtown and the airport. Public transportation sucks. Except for monorails, of course.

Trustbusting

I'm not afraid to admit it: I'm a Nick Lachey fan. But I don't want to see Nick Lachey on College GameDay. ESPN, your Vesuvius is coming.

Big Time?

luridtransom has caught the attention of the collection agency bloggers. (See comment under Check your facts, AP). Give me a phat beat.

Check your facts, AP

I am shocked at the rampant looting and carjacking occuring in the Big Easy. That's the last place I could ever imagine such lawless behavior.

Visors & Stovepipes

Did you see the ESPN GameDay season opener from South Carolina with the live performance by Big & Rich feat. Lil Troy? I did, unfortunately, and I feel violated. I'll elaborate later on the reasons for my disillusionment with ESPN, but it's time for a mutiny.

per Publius

There are no problems in this country that cannot be solved by a heaping spoonful of redneck patriotism.

Listerine Drunk

Hot: Taradise, Tara Reid's new show on E! I caught two episodes this weekend, and it totally rocks. Tara has put on some miles since we first fell in love with her as Bunny Lebowski in the 1998 hit The Big Lebowski.

Not: Galveston, Texas and Dodge Stratus cars. Sucks like OU, the both of them.

Smell the Roses

For my money, there's nothing more honest and refreshing than talking loudly on your cellphone in a crowded elevator.

Friendly Reminder

Hey gang, don't forget to file bankruptcy before October 17! If you dilly-dally, changes in bankruptcy law will make erasing debts more difficult.

Why are you wearing sunglasses in your office?

This time I mean it. I'm not going out with Pacman Jones and the fellas on a school night ever again.

Where would you rather live?

This blog entry calls for audience participation. Please post your city choices and commentary. Remember, you're moving there, not just visiting, so choose wisely.

Sao Paulo or Dubrovnik?
Havana or Shanghai?
Cairo or Moscow?
Dallas or Nashville?
Honolulu or Boulder?
Helsinki or Athens?
Addis Ababa, Ethiopia or Kiev, Ukraine?
Tegucigalpa, Honduras or Dubai, UAE?
Buenos Aires or Cape Town?
London or New York?
Terlingua or Anchorage?
Knoxville or Phoenix?
Montreal or Mexico City?
Bombay or Beijing?
Rio de Janeiro or Brussels?
Saigon or Tokyo?
Manila, The Philippines or Nairobi, Kenya?
Bermuda or Taos?
Houston or Seattle?
Sydney or New Orleans?
Miami or Barcelona?
Geneva or Cancun?
Paris or Washington, D.C.?
Las Vegas or San Diego?
Detroit or Shreveport?
Aspen or Atlanta?
Hong Kong or Prague?
Vancouver or Chicago?
Odessa or Laredo?
Teheran, Iran or Lagos, Nigeria?
Singapore or Copenhagen?
Omaha or Caracas?
Vienna or St. John, USVI?
Istanbul or Bangkok?
Auckland or Dublin?
Boston or Reno?
Calcutta, India or Alma Aty, Kazakhstan?
Seoul or Bogotá?
Winnipeg or Bilbao, Spain?
Ibiza or Stockholm?

1.21 Gigawatts

The work week just flies by now that I loaded up my iTunes with Beehive 100 tracks.

Ultra-hip and underground

I'm nowhere to be found in August's edition of 002+ magazine. Obviously, I'm not partying nearly aggressively enough.

Red Carpet II

Have you seen Seann William Scott's portrayal of Bo Duke in The Dukes of Hazzard? Well, I haven't, but I can only assume it is one of the greatest theatrical performances of all time.

One Red Cent for Tribute

As you know, luridtransom is a Tara Reid Tribute Blog. Tara's beauty, sass and spark give us our one and only reason to get out of bed in the morning. In the spirit of tribute, I'm proud to promote Wild on Tara, Tara's new show on E!. The premiere is August 10th, and a source close to Tara says luridtransom faves Paris Latsis and Paris Hilton will make an appearance on the first episode. Be sure to tune in, I promise you won't want to miss it. In case you were wondering, the show's slogan is: "She's Improving World Relations...One Party at a Time!"

Would you like to leave a message, Mr. Daly?

Cancel my appointments and hold all my calls, I'll be watching Laguna Beach: Season One on DVD all week long.

A Fortiori

Inshore fishing:Offshore fishing::American football:English football

To clear up the confusion, the term offshore fishing should be replaced by the term offshore soccer.

Seven Candidate Cities

Seven cities submitted bids to host the 2014 Winter Olympics:
Almaty, Kazakhstan
Borjomi, Georgia
Jaca, Spain
Sofia, Bulgaria
Pyeongchang, South Korea
Salzburg, Austria
Sochi, Russia

Shark Sandwich

I hope Telemundo broadcasts the basketball tournament at the Bolivarian Games (Juegos Bolivarianos) to be held this August in Colombia. No way I'm gonna miss Nolan Richardson's coaching debut with the Panamanian National Team.

XXII Winter Olympiad Host City Endorsement

luridtransom will endorse one city's candidacy to host the 2014 Winter Olympics. My endorsement will be announced at a press conference early next year. The candidate cities are:
Almaty, Khazakstan
Bakuriani, Georgia
Harbin, China
Jaca, Spain
Ostersund, Sweden
Pyeongchang, South Korea
Reno/South Lake Tahoe, USA
Salzburg, Austria
Sochi, Russia
Sofia, Bulgaria
Tromso, Norway

You do your job, I'll do mine

DeLoss,

I notice Texas has three early season TBA games in both the 2007 and 2008 seasons. Work your magic and schedule a home-and-home series with Northwestern. It's perfect. They're a Big 10 team, but one that Texas should easily handle. But more importantly, the trip to Chicago in September would be totally sweet. Be sure to schedule the game at Northwestern on a weekend when the Cubs are in town.

Equal Protection

Pop Diva Britney Spears has her own perfume called Curious. I hope Kevin Federline's fragrance is out by Christmas at the very latest.

Saltwater Think Tank

Add to my platform: Put good movies on iControl. Currently, the available movies are mostly unwatchable, straight-to-iControl crap.

Full Circle

Is it cool again to use the suffix –palooza?

Raw Deal

Dear Azuma sushi restaurant at the Rice Hotel,

Turn down the A/C in there - it's freezing. Also, your service is pretty crappy. You should look into that as well.

Name Dropping

Copa Frontera final: Monterrey 1, Club America 0. How ya like them apples, Cuauhtemoc Blanco?

They're always changing corporation names

Message to DeLoss Dodds and Joe Castiglione:

Don't move the Texas/Oklahoma game from the Cotton Bowl. If the stadium itself is so decrepit and outdated that you no longer deem it adequate to host the game, make the series home-and-home. Whatever you do, don't move it to Jerryworld.

Cheers!

Congratulations to London, which was yesterday awarded the 2012 Summer Olympics. Hard as it is to imagine the 2012 Summer Games without the Astrodome, I'm sure London will be a splendid host.

Glamor shots

I'm overhauling my lifestyle to accomodate my new raison d'etre: getting my photo printed in 002+ Houston magazine.

And one more thing

Platform edited to add another brilliant idea:

Platform:
- Adopt the metric system
- Introduce universally compatible cell phone chargers

Don't get me started

The Burnt Orange Roses party in LA was the biggest rip off ever. I still get pissed off just thinking about it.

Politiki'z

I've got lots of fresh ideas to bring to the political arena. Unfortunately, only one comes to mind right now.

Platform:
- Adopt the metric system.

The Group of Eight

What are the chances the G8 will write off my student loans at next month's summit in Scotland? Probably slim to none, unless I can convince them that money went to line the pockets of ruthless dictators and brutally oppress non-ruling tribes. If anybody with the G8 calls and asks what I did with the money, go along with the story. Thanks.

Red Carpet

Movie Review: Mean Girls, starring Lindsey Lohan
Rating: Two stars (out of five)

This movie is watchable, but it never lived up to its potential or justified the hype. Better than Brandon Stewart, but not as good as Chris Simms.

Sports page

There should be online CWS bracket contests like there are for the NCAA basketball tournament. I hope this will be addressed at the Special Session.

Good luck on that ace, sir

I dare you to accept the challenge offered by GNR tribute band Rocket Queens, as found in their Manifesto:

Just try and find an album that rocks as hard as Appetite for Destruction.

Just try.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty

Raise your hand if you want a reality show starring Paris Latsis and D.J. AM.

Queso fresco, si! Queso fresco, no!

I had no idea there was such a thing as smuggled cheese. Hmmph.

Politics is local

Operation SafeClear is a program implemented by Smog City Mayor Bill White in January. If your car breaks down on the freeway, you get towed. The idea is that towing broken down cars from the freeway will lead to less congestion and fewer accidents. Good idea. But then the whining started because if your car gets towed, you have to pay the tow truck company. Gasp! How unfair! Why should I be responsible for my own car breaking down on the freeway?! In response to the whining, the city now pays to have cars towed. And guess what, it's going to cost the city an estimated $3 mil per year. So now we're whining about that. Not to worry, I'm sure this will all be sorted out at the Special Session.

Four Days to Hitchhike from Saginaw

Have you been to the old terminal at Hobby Airport lately? That place is worse than TV Max.

Hey Gables - You suck!

I am moving to a Gables apartment complex in the near future. Come to find out, I can't get Time Warner cable service there, because they have an exclusive contract with an outfit called TV Max. TV Max does not offer HD programming or a DVR-type cable box. What a rip off. If I'm lucky, the Gables will only allow me to buy food at Soviet bakeries. You suck, Gables. I want my money back.

Libertie, Egalitie, Fraternitie

Citizens of France,
I urge you to vote OUI in this Sunday's referendum on the European Union Constitution.

Greenspan's Remarks

Confessions of a Powerbroker

I just Martindaled myself to confirm how big time I am.

You're witnessing the rebirth of luridtransom

luridtransom is now a Tara Reid tribute blog. To wit:

Tara Reid caused quite a scene when she crashed an exclusive Kentucky Derby bash.

The actress showed up at the famed Barnstable Brown party Friday night and tried to get in, even though she wasn’t invited. “A security guard kept her out, and she did the whole, ‘Don’t you know who I am’ thing, and then a whole crowd outside started chanting, ‘Let Tara In! Let Tara In!’” reports an eyewitness. “So they went ahead and let her in.”

Once inside, reports the source, Reid was an aggressive partier and was downing Grey Goose martinis.

Reid showed up at the Derby itself in a dirty dress “that looked like she’d been rolling around on the ground.” She went into a VIP room and knocked a woman over and — apparently not realizing her mistake — walked on. When she was informed what happened, she offered to give the woman an autograph.

(Courtesy of MSNBC. Thanks, MSNBC.)

Let Tara in! Amen to that. I've got to become a more aggressive partier.

Ed Rooney's Genius

Quote of the Day, courtesy of Dean Edward R. Rooney: "Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path."

Grass Roots Social Activism

Paraphrasing an AP story: Real estate developers in South Florida are mounting a campaign to allow development on lands currently off limits to large-scale development. Plans by major developers such as Lennar Corp. and D.R. Horton call for more than 16,000 homes to be built in high-density neighborhoods on land that is now outside the the urban development boundary. The urban development boundary was created more than two decades ago to protect the fragile Everglades ecosystem. (End Paraphrase.)

Hmmm...Everglades? Starbucks? Everglades? Starbucks?

Honestly, these people should be fed to alligators.

Open Letter to Cafe Express

Dear Wendy’s/Café Express:

I eat lunch quite frequently at Café Express on Main Street in downtown Houston. As you are aware, all customers must queue up to order at the counter. For some unknown reason, smoking is allowed in the “bar” adjacent to the ordering area. (I use quotation marks because it’s nothing like an actual bar. Nobody’s sitting in there drinking at lunch – it’s a Café Express for crying out loud.)

In any event, cigarette smoke from the “bar” drifts into the area where customers line up to order food. And back into the kitchen at that, no doubt. This is ridiculous. You shouldn’t allow smoking in an area that will, by design, subject every single customer who eats at your restaurant to cigarette smoke. It is poorly, if at all, thought out. Truthfully, it’s downright stupid. You should ban smoking in the “bar” effective immediately. In fact, I believe your policy must be changed in September due to the new City Council ordinances. So go ahead and change it now.

I am not a holier-than-thou antismoking crusader. But it makes absolutely no sense to situate a smoking section right next to the area where each and every customer must line up to order his food. I don’t want to eat lunch at Café Express and return to my office smelling like an ashtray. And I won’t. I’m not going back to Café Express until you ban smoking in the entire indoor portion of your restaurant. I know the dollars I won’t spend aren’t going to put your operation into bankruptcy, but I hope you’ll put some thought into the matter and realize the smoking section at your restaurant really sucks.

Regards,
Oschlor

Say It Ain't So

Not only is Mena Suvari getting divorced, but it turns out that Enron Nigerian barge deal was nothing but a scam.

Maximalist Integrity?

What happened to Sandwiches? Where? Here! ? It used to be one of the hippest, freshest blogs around. Must have sold out to Corporate America. Not surprising, really.

Zoroaster's Vision

Why such a fuss over Iran's nuclear program? Honestly, what's the worst that could happen?

Bayou City: Point/Counter-point

Since 1992, Houston's "rush hour" has expanded from 6.4 to 7.8 hours a day.

Maybe so, but we've still got the Rockets, horrendous air quality, and more nail salons per capita than any other city in the nation.

It's easy to grin when your ship comes in

I need a metier that involves people paying me large sums of money then remarking, "What a racket!" Those who smirk didn't read my first sentence carefully enough.

Victory Gin

The username RustyShakelford is already taken on every single website in existence.

Impatient Shareholders

If y'all don't start clicking on more banner ads, I'll have no choice but to make this a pay site.

Chicken wire & cedar

Big deal. I've found hundreds of fingers in bowls of chili.

Say goodbye to the old gas guzzler, Russ.

I've decided I like high gasoline prices. Gas should cost between $2 and $3 per gallon. I'm dead serious - it really should.

Unspeakable outrage

The new sandwich line configuration at Alonti is infuriating. Who decided to put the salad bins where they are? The new set up has taken the magic out of paying $7 for a mediocre (at best) deli sandwich.

Defying the odds

I'm in the midst of arguably the worst cold streak in the history of scratch off lottery tickets.

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